Friday 29th July, 2016

 

I am still a little shaken having had to take Bob’s dog Weasel for an assignation on Tuesday evening.  A little background at the risk of providing too much information, but she is nearly three now, gorgeous and on heat.  After much badgering from Bob who I suspect sees this as potentially a nice little earner for his “GAP year” account Sophie has agreed that she can have a litter of puppies.  Hardened recipients of this missive might recall Bob previously had a dog called Twiggy.  Well it’s a nice twist to the tale that the dog Weasel is being introduced to is Twiggy’s nephew.  I’m boring you now I know.  Sorry.  Anyway, Bob had taken Weasel to meet Archie once previously and, according to Archie’s owner, had been forced to have a post-coital cigarette so stressful had he found the whole business.  It was not apparently a completely conclusive union so, Bob having nipped over to Milan for a party as one does, it fell to me to take her for another session.  I don’t mind telling you I nearly took up smoking again myself standing in a strangers garden with his young daughter watching the two dogs getting on with the job…..very conclusively.  Weird scene and I still don’t really know why I’m telling you this story except I suppose to put the picture I received in a WhatsApp message from Bob as he and his girlfriend took in the sights of Milan and did a bit of window-shopping into context.  It was his girl-friends WhatsApp account actually.  Bob had left his phone in my car when I drove them to the airport on Monday morning.  At least he can’t lose it.    Only Bob would end up in a pet-store on a visit to a city with the vast range of attractions that Milan no doubt has to offer.  He was wondering if we could get one of these for Weasel and her puppies:

 

 

 

 

So…possibly 62 days till D-day.  I’ll keep you in touch with progress and maybe you’ll let me know if you’d like one of the progeny.

 

Meantime Jimmy is also in Italy.  Florence to be precise and the messages from her are about the delicious cakes, wonderful art galleries and beautiful architecture.  She’s not all culture and haut-cuisine, having spent last week at a reggae festival in the south of France.  She believes she was a Rastafarian in another life and insists she is moving to the Caribbean once she has finished reading Archaeology and Anthropology at Bristol, but I’m not so sure she’s got what it takes.  Hen was down at the festival as well.  They were all camping and living pretty rough I imagine.  On departure day Hen and a friend had to leave particularly early in the morning and were tip-toeing considerately around the campsite to be sure not to waken anyone when suddenly they heard Jimmy f’ing and blinding in the way only she can.  “How the hell am I meant to sleep with that bl**dy racket going on” screeched from inside her tent.  Hen and her friend looked at each other aghast and guilt ridden.  “I XXXXXX  HATE CICADA’S” Jimmy continued in her rant much to their relief and enjoyment.

 

I had lunch with an old friend the other day who kindly put pen to paper afterwards. Love that.  What a gentleman.  Well, I am presuming he was thanking me.  I think he enjoyed lunch as much as I did and I imagine he’ll see the funny side of it as I choose to reproduce page one of his letter.  If I really concentrate and let the imagination loose I can decipher perhaps one word in three.  If you can do better than me let me know what he was trying to say.  I might add it didn’t get any more legible on the other side and the only reason the letter actually got to me at home was because he wisely asked someone else to write the envelope!

 

 

 

Thursday 21st July, 2016

Ha ha…..for a moment you’re thinking its Friday.  Sorry folks.  You’ve got another day to go, but not me.  I shouldn’t crow unduly.  Half of my day off tomorrow will be spent on a Speed Awareness Course in Bury St Edmunds.  Lucky boy eh.

 

I had a few things to get off my chest this week most of them beginning with the letter P, plus a good selection of research, so I thought I would drop you a quick one even at the risk of discombobulation. 

 

The ludicrous episode earlier in the week involving blatant plagiarism in a speech by Mrs Trump reminded me that I must write to Hen’s old English teacher Mr Fletcher to wish him well.  Sadly he has decided to leave Rugby School after I think almost twenty years there.  He was one of those special gems, a really inspiring teacher, and he taught Hen a lesson or two.  Aged 13 at the time, she fancied herself as a writer of some imagination, but the inspiration failed her when asked to write a story about fairies.  Apart from unicorns these have long been amongst her favourite things in life so I have always thought something else intervened that night at prep.  Regardless, she handed in a three sided essay pretty much on time.  I’ll give her that much.  She was summoned the next day by Mr Fletcher who would have been even more irate if Hen hadn’t immediately confessed she had indeed copied the work off something she had found on-line.  She was also helped by the fact that her plagiarism was so blatant.  I mean, could she have picked a more famous writer on fairies to copy VERBATIM than Hans Christian Anderson?  Mr Fletcher had a soft spot for Hen after that truth be told and we for him obviously.

 

Pokemon Go – loved this video clip and love Nintendo whose share price performance, yup…I know I shouldn’t swank, but I really must…. has put me solidly into first place in the office stock picking competition.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/item/4b42a73a-1d3f-4e9a-b8d5-65deb865232e

 

So that’s two P’s.  I need another one to complete the hat-trick…oh I know…..talking of speeding…….Pigeons.  I set a new record this morning in the course of my 22 mile drive from Gazeley to the railway station.  Five of them smacked terminally into my car, each erupting in a cloud of feathers I rarely achieve between October and February.  Mental.  They were totally suicidal today for some reason.

 

By the way, although I know I repeatedly play the “ever so humble” card, once in a while I don’t mind telling you, I can come up with some pretty witty banter.  Take this for example.  Whilst I was idling in the vicinity of the printer the other morning, waiting for a report on India’s implementation of GST to chunter off I overhead two of my European colleagues conversing with each other in German.

“Well, we’ll have none of that anymore” I admonished them, with a straight face and to their bemusement. 

“This is a post Brexit trading floor….English speaking only if you please”. 

How I laughed, as did they, to my relief!

 

Friday 15th July, 2016

Well my weekend is suddenly looking a lot more appealing.  I have decided not to do my Long March. 

I’m not proud of this truth be told.  As I imagine you had sensed I had been fairly determined to do the Race to the Stones.

I eschewed alcohol all week and had managed to potter about a 9 miler and an 18 miler just last week by way of training runs. 

Perhaps it was the fact that I was stone cold sober but when a friend said to me over a quick working lunch that if I wanted to prove to myself I could do something crazy why not try taking hero**in it resonated.  Why was I even contemplating such a ludicrous exercise?  

I wandered back to the office and rang my brother to tell him I wouldn’t be needing the four packs of raspberry energy gel packs he had bought for me.

So, ( and remind me to tell you something I need to get off my chest ) I will be lounging around at home on Saturday and Sunday and instead of killing my knees I will be making sure that  Bob gives the car a clean.  

There I was last Sunday evening hoping for a catch up with him before his first day at work ( putting marquees up and down ) when he rang to say he had got the car stuck in a field.  It’s a VW Polo for goodness sake.  What was it doing in a field in the first place?  It transpires that if you want you to chase down the perfect pigeon flight line you have to be prepared to take the car not necessarily where it’s mean to go. 

When he eventually came home, 10.30 that night, having been pulled out of his plight by his “mother in law” in her 4 by 4, you would sympathise with my fury.  Quite apart from the delicious dinner I had cooked which was by now cold, the car was trashed.

How ironic that the day after this sorry incident Bob was finally commissioned, having set up a sign outside our house offering “Well Rotted Horse Manure” for sale, to deliver “ a small trailer load “.  He readily accepted the order and offered to deliver the dung, albeit we don’t actually have a small trailer. 

I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t stop myself offering a solution.  “ Well done Bob,  Why don’t you just fork a load into the boot of the Polo.  Job done.”

So, anyway,…... If you listen closely you will find your colleagues, family, newsreader, comedians, politicians…pretty much everyone, will preface pronouncements with the word SO.  It’s only a few years ago that very word gave me kittens.  You may remember, I’ve told you before, how I derived a derogatory ACROSTIC for Tony Blair when I heard him speak in Las Vegas.  It was quite inspired of me though I say it myself…… until I came to thinking about how I could explain the second S.  The only word I could think to start the fourth paragraph with, which needed to begin with the letter S, was So.  These days I wouldn’t have any problem, but at the time I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to persuade anyone my acrostic was anything other than contrived.  I kissed my job at CLSA goodbye, but no one noticed thank goodness and my stellar career went on unchecked.  Go me.

 

Friday 8th July, 2016

I caught up with Sachin, our former Asian telco analyst, in London earlier this week.  He gets this ridiculous missive and told me, sweetly, that he found my mobile phone trials and tribulations particularly entertaining.  I suppose he was bound to be interested into the peculiarities of his sector, but I was quite irritated by that truth be told.  I’m after sympathy, not trying to amuse.  The transcript below of a conversation I had with some people at Vodafone’s online customer service team below reveals a deeply troubled person.  I know that.  This is how serious it has got.

 

From: Vodafone Service Chat [mailto:No_reply@vodafone.com] 
Sent: 29 June 2016 08:41
To: Sandison, David (GM/UK)
Subject: Transcript of your chat

 

Copy of your recent chat with Vodafone online chat service team.

General Info
Chat start time	Jun 29, 2016 3:07:52 AM EST
Chat end time	Jun 29, 2016 3:40:49 AM EST
Duration (actual chatting time)	00:32:56
Operator	Parth B

Chat Transcript

info: Welcome to Vodafone!   You will now be connected with a service adviser. Your approximate wait time is 0 minute(s) and  3 seconds. .    We’re looking forward to assisting you today.    info: You are now connected with Sagar Badani. Sagar Badani: Hello, you're chatting with Sagar Badani, how may I help you today? Sagar Badani: Good Morning! How are you today?  david sandison: Hi....my son has lost his phone. I need to order a new SIM card and cheapest handset and put a block on his old handset. But I want to keep his number active. Sagar Badani: Oh! sorry to hear that David. Sagar Badani: Thank you for sharing your query with me. I will certainly assist you regarding your query.  Sagar Badani: Rest assured, we're always here to assist you upto your satisfaction.  Sagar Badani: May I take your full name and your Vodafone mobile number please?  david sandison: David Sandison My number is 07788455552. Sagar Badani: Thank you for the information.  Sagar Badani: I am sorry, as I am unable to locate the account. david sandison: Try 0777571xxx Sagar Badani: Thank you.  Sagar Badani: Please allow me a moment while I locate your account.  david sandison: For goodness sake. I spend over £200 a month with Vodafone. I had the same problem speaking to an advisor yesterday. Your systems are a disaster. Sagar Badani: David, I totally understand the same for you. Sagar Badani: However, with out the account we are unable to help you. Sagar Badani: David, still unable to fetch the account. Sagar Badani: Could you please help me we a valid Vodafone number? david sandison: I simply cant cope with this. I will end my VOD custom as soon as I possibly can. Meantime try my address David Sandison, Bovills Hall, Gazeley, Suffolk, CB8 8RE. I have six numbers with you.....077884xxxx, 077757xxxx, 0782521xxxx, 0776555xxx, 0777400xxx and 0782xxxxx Sagar Badani: Thank you for the information.  david sandison: My online account is dsanxxxx2 david sandison: email address david@bovills.com Sagar Badani: Thank you for waiting. I appreciate your patience.  Sagar Badani: David, I have found your account. Sagar Badani: Thank you for the information.  Sagar Badani: I will need to transfer your chat to one of our dedicated team who will be able to assist you further regarding your query. Sagar Badani: Please stay connected. We appreciate your patience.  david sandison: please explain what the problem was and how you "found" it Sagar Badani: David, your account with us is in the old system. Sagar Badani: No worries, we do have our dedicated team for the same. Sagar Badani: Rest assured, we're always here to assist you upto your satisfaction.  Sagar Badani: I will need to transfer your chat to one of our dedicated team who will be able to assist you further regarding your query. Sagar Badani: Please stay connected. We appreciate your patience.  info: Please wait while I transfer the chat to the appropriate group. info: You are now connected with Parth B. Parth B: Hello, you're chatting with Parth B.  Let me go through the conversation you’ve had with the representative who transferred your chat to me. david sandison: please do..... Parth B: Hello David  Parth B: So your Son lost that phone and you wish to get that SIM with same number am I correct? david sandison: The first thing I want to know is why I have had so much trouble with your people unable to find my account. It is INFURIATING Parth B: David, I am sorry to learn that the you are not happy with Vodafone however as the previous advisor have no access with your account he connected you to me.  Parth B: I have that account open now david sandison: WHY?????? Parth B: David, that person was from different team and I have that account authorization so I will help you with that issue  david sandison: Am I going to face this problem every time I ring Vodafone? Parth B: Will that be okay? Parth B: No I will help you with our direct contact details  Parth B: Please be rest assured.  Parth B: Thank you for your patience, I just located your account a while back. Parth B: For security, may I know your 2nd and 3rd digit of PIN please? david sandison: He mentioned that my account was on the old system....what does that mean? david sandison: X X Parth B: Brilliant Parth B: That matches our records! Thank you for verifying your details. Parth B: Kindly bear with me while I check your account details. I appreciate your patience. Parth B: That old system means that is the Customer service system and not the customer sales system  Parth B: The person you got connected was from sales  Parth B: Kindly share that number which has been used by your son  david sandison: 078262xxxxx Parth B: so I can immediately block that and help you to get Free replacement SIM with that number  Parth B: Thank you  Parth B: It will take me a couple of minutes to check this for you. Is that ok? david sandison: fine...thanks Parth B: Thank you David. Parth B: Just to confirm may i please know when the phone got lost, Or stolen? Parth B: So If you wish I can blacklist that handset as well so he can not get charged for any unwanted charges Or anyone can not use that handset  david sandison: He is in Majorca. He lost it two days ago....27th June Parth B: Alright, Thank you. david sandison: I would like you to blacklist the handset. How do you know what the handset is? Parth B: May I help you to blacklist that handset as well? Parth B: That is perfect  Parth B: I will track that IMEI number which has been used with that SIM  david sandison: excellent Parth B: and that IMEI number will be blocked globally  Parth B: And no one will be able to sell it  / use it or not even able to switch on it.  Parth B: Thank you  Parth B: I am doing that now. Parth B: It will take 2-3 minutes, will that be okay David? Parth B: I do understand that it took time with previous advisor and so confirming that process time. david sandison: fine...I'm standing by...I also want to order a new handset in due course.. Parth B: David, do you wish to order that phone from Majorca OR from your UK address? david sandison: from my UK address Parth B: Because to purchase that replacement phone / pay as you go phone, you need to visit  any of Vodafone store and you will be able to get that option with those handsets  david sandison: but this phone number is on contract.... Parth B: Yes that is correct  david sandison: if you send me a new SIM card with the number linked to that I need a handset to put the card into....the card needs to be appropriate to the handset I get.... Parth B: You need to only get an option with plain handset.  Parth B: Ys  Parth B: Yes, Sure  Parth B: I will help you with this Free SIM card with same number  Parth B: I have placed bar with that phone  Parth B: and now I am blaclisting that handset  Parth B: Thank you for your patience  david sandison: OK....so if I have to go to a VOD store I may aswell sort out the new SIM card and handset with them...you cant arrange a new handset for me...is that right? Parth B: Yes, that is correct, because that replacement handset purely sells by Store only and being a service provider we can provide Free SIM card with same number. Parth B: I am happy to confirm that the phone has been blacklisted on Wed Jun 29 2016 Parth B: Now if you wish I can order a new SIM with same number 078262xxxx will that be okay? david sandison: Thanks. Final question....if I go to a store will thry be able to allocate a SIM card to the existing number and contract? Parth B: Yes, of course, in that case I will be placing notes with this account and so you will be able to get free SIM with immediate activation  Parth B: They will check your ID card and unbar that SIM services and get that SIM activated as soon as possible  Parth B: I trust that will help you. david sandison: please do that then and I will go to a store today. Thank you for your help. But please can you also reassure me that next time I ring 191 they will be able to find my account....? Parth B: Sure, I am guiding you with that process as well. You can call us on 191 from your phone or 03333040191 from any fixed line phone, select option 3 and then 1 from Monday to Fridaybetween 8:00 and 20:00, Saturday between 8:00 and 18:00, Sunday between 9:00 and 17:00. Parth B: Also,  Parth B: I would request you to click on envelope icon from this chat window and you will be able to get  this chat transcript. david sandison: OK...thank you for your help. Bye. Parth B: Is there anything else I can do for you today? david sandison: nope...cheers. Parth B: Please feel free to get back to us in case of any other concern and we will be more than happy to help you 24*7. Parth B: Good Bye, Take Care. info: A copy of this chat conversation will be sent to david.sandison@nomura.com at the end of this chat.

 

 

Talking about deeply troubled I am going to spend the next few days pondering whether or not I should go and run the Race to the Stones

again.  I’m signed up for this 62.5 mile slog which starts a week tomorrow, but I am uncharacteristically ill-prepared ( not helped, in my defence, by having fallen out a tree a month ago), and a bundle of indecision.  Any thoughts?

 

 

Friday 1st July, 2016

Nope…..nothing on the EU Referendum from me.  We were banned from commenting in the run up to the thing and I rant enough in this column as it is so let’s just avoid the subject.    Suffice to say that my children, three of whom voted, have managed to take my mind off the dire consequences of the result, this week at least, by an old tactic.  They know that nothing can compare to the angst, nay, anguish, their mobile phone antics cause me. 

 

On Monday, first day back from a two week “break”, I was wending my weary way to Scotland – brief diversion as I remember to tell you that I knew Iceland had scored when a roar of delight erupted from the assembled crowd of passengers around me also waiting for the 8.25pm flight from Stansted to Glasgow.  I wasn’t meant to be going to Glasgow, but had missed my flight to Edinburgh – too stupid a story to relate here.  Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse than Brexit woes, plunging financial markets and the fact that by now it was nearly 11pm and I was sitting in a smokey, clapped out mini-van driven by a mad Glaswegian who seemed to have little idea where Edinburgh was, were instantly doused by a new and greater calamity.  Sophie rang to tell me the dreadful news that Bob had lost his phone.

 

I had had my suspicions of course.  He had taken it with him to Magaluf on his house leavers “off-site” and had been ignoring repeated messages asking him to let us know when he was due to return ( ever the attentive parents us ), but the confirmation, when I was able to communicate with him by phoning a friend the following day, that his phone had been lost, this time irrevocably, is still hard to bear.  What is wrong with me?  He seemed blissfully non-plussed and still is, I’m happy to say, now that he is safely home, albeit with a very croaky voice and a wild head of hair to boot, and the proud owner of a £15 Nokia brick.

 

 

And then just to rub salt into the wounds Jimmy announced last night that her iphone, which to be fair to her, she had just paid to be restored, had been dropped again and had met its maker so to speak.  Too boring.  I’ll stop now.  Sorry to unload on you.  

 

Talking of the youth of today.  Have you noticed they have a fixation about Best Before Dates?  I’ve been noticing how, with them all at home at the moment, they have this annoying habit of delving through the fridge tutting at the number of items which may be a couple of days past their use by date.  Anyway, don’t tell her I told you this, but Sophie, my wife, has been struggling with a minor, but persistent, dose of athlete’s foot.  Despite liberal applications of mycota powder after each bath her condition had not improved.  The alarm bells rang when I picked the green plastic bottle up for a closer inspection of its properties.  The first thing I noticed was a price label which was a bit fuzzy but appeared to read A$8.35.  It has been a while since I was last in Australia.  And the best before date on the bottom?  September 1996!!

 

Off to Rugby this afternoon for the final act.  The Leavers Ball.  Hallelulia.  We made it!  The wretched new headmaster has wrought one last dampener on proceedings.  Chapel service at 7.30pm before the Ball kicks off.  What’s that all about??  If ever there was a moment for someone to release a pigeon it is this evening…..come on Bob….don’t let me down!

 

PS I didn’t crash the boat.  In fact, I know I am bragging a bit, but see this photo attached?…..ours is the yacht on the left in front of the blue awning.   I know!!!  How the heck did I squeeze it in there first time, no scratches, no shouting?  Go me eh!

 

Friday 3rd June, 2016

I was having lunch last Friday with an old friend.  As is often the way these days the bulk of our conversation was shared between two topics.  Our children and Brexit.  I don’t think I’m allowed to mention the latter as Nomura’s house position is strictly neutral and this is very much a house email offering after all, but woe betide the powers that be if I can’t refer to the kinders.  They havn’t tried to stop me yet more’s the pity for you lot.

 

So anyway, my friend described his youngest daughter, aged 15 and who I havn’t seen for quite a while, most affectionately, adding with a degree of pride, that she was now also “fabulously acerbic”.  Is being acerbic something to be proud of I mused to myself?  I hadn’t really thought of any of mine in that mould.  To be honest I wasn’t even sure I would recognise it for what it was.  But on Sunday evening when Sophie and I were sitting round the table for a delicious supper of barbequed lamb chops in the company of all four of our children I think I witnessed it.  Admittedly we don’t manage to get all together so often these days, but Lottie’s comment “Well this is nice.  Normally when we’re all here there’s a turkey in the middle” was acerbic enough don’t you think.

 

Earlier that day I fell out of a tree.  I was cutting down a dead rowan branch by branch and feeling quite pleased with myself at how it was all going.  That was until the ladder slipped.  I had the presence of mind ( go me ) and a split second to switch the chain-saw off before tumbling six feet or so, clattering into the ladder on the ground below machine still in hand.  I would like to say I am none the worse for wear but I have a nasty graze on my left leg and an enormous bruise.  But most of the hurt was caused by Jimmy, my second daughter, when I was relaying my brush with death over the very supper mentioned above.  “Oh dear daddy, what if you’d dropped the chain saw onto one of the dogs”.

 

Yup.  Acerbity.  Nasty word in this house as far as I’m concerned and nothing to be proud about at all.  Smart Alec’s more like.

 

Oh, and I got a speeding ticket on my trip up to Rugby last Saturday.  All in all it was a pretty ignominious weekend to be honest.

 

By the way if it’s a bit quiet round your end maybe you’d like to try a little mind exercise.  As I wandered out of the back door during my BBQ session it struck me what an odd collection of stuff was assembled on or around the table.  So I took a photo for you.  Look at the attached for 10 seconds then tell me how many of the items you can remember.  “Give us a twirl Anthea.”

Friday 20th May, 2016

 

You possibly wouldn’t have noticed, but I wasn’t here last Friday.  I was up in Scotland on a course.  No….not Muirfield.  Don’t get me started on that.  Incidentally, talking about masculinity I stayed up late last night watching the latest in the Grayson Perry series investigating manliness in the City.  I know, I have been banging on about how excited I was given my role in this, but I have to admit the episode was a bit of an anti-climax.  Unless you have any money managed by some guy called Hugh Hendry I really can’t urge you to watch it and regret that I did.

 

So, ( have you noticed how often people this days start their utterances with that word – ironic given the angst I suffered, fretting over the fact I started the fourth paragraph with the same inane two letters as I contrived the nemonic T_O_S_S_E_R when reporting on a speech by Tony Blair at the CLSA Forum in Las Vegas ), having taken the decision not to talk you through my tortuous round at Kingsbarns or my four shanks on the Old Course the previous evening, I have to admit I’m struggling for things to tell you.  The problem is to be absolutely honest, life has been a bit dull. 

 

My asparagus this season is magnificent, but I know not to bang on about that especially on an email where the theme this week is masculinity.  Our chickens, despite the absence of a cockerel, have been behaving themselves relatively well, albeit it took a particularly sensitive side of me to round them into their pen last night.  I was especially pleased with myself given I was in a bit of a hurry to get back in front of the telly to watch Peaky Blinders.  And the children too have been rather quiet.  Both Hen and Jimmy have broken their phones so are pretty much incommunicado.  Bob is thick into his A level exams.   Well not exactly A levels…this week it has been AS resits more like.  Mind you, an old friend of mine and I were nattering about our children, as one often does, at lunch today and turned out that his son was re-sitting his Geography AS in 15 minutes time just as Bob was, so that was reassuring. 

 

But having not mentioned Hen for a while…..well blow me down, got to tell you, I’ve just heard from her.  She’s going to meet me at Liverpool Street this evening and is coming home for the weekend.  Happy days.  The thing about Hen, just to bring you up to speed, is that she has shifted her fund raising attentions from the Red Cross to….wait for it……Greenpeace.  What???  When she told me she was thinking of leaving the Red Cross initially she said she was thinking about going into teaching.  So when she said a few days later that she had decided on working for Greenpeace I don’t mind telling you I was a wee bit disappointed.  I swallowed my various prejudices and was quite proud of myself as I heard myself asking her how this was going to give her longer term options.  “Oh”, she said to me, “Don’t worry, dada, in six months time you’ll probably hear I’ve been padlocked to an oil rig in the Arctic Circle.  There’s no end of opportunities for me.”

 

What can you say about that?  Manly enough??!