Ending the year on a bit of a dull note. I’m quite embarrassed by this, but being the honest, open sort I am I have to tell you that today, the last Friday before Christmas, I had lunch at my desk. How sad is that?? And prepare to be bored yourself. The ideas from Under the Bodhi Tree always flow better after a bottle of Ch. Tour St. Bonnet and a cote de boeuf in Le Rendezvous. Sitting at my desk, rueing my lot aswell as the uninspired collection of stocking fillers I have cobbled together for Sophie, I discovered, interestingly enough, that a high proportion of people ( estimated 40-50% ) fail their driving theory test first time round. I had thought it was almost impossible to fail. Admittedly Hen had to sit it twice, but that was because having passed her theory she didn't have the same success in her practical within the requisite period of the following two years, though this was not for want to trying. Happily the passage of time has also faded from my memory precisely how much I spent on her lessons and the innumerable tests she took.
I know it reflects poorly on me, but in my opinion Bob didn’t have a chance in heck when he headed off to Bury St Edmunds in our most conspicuously L- plated and very battered VW Polo ( Hen and Jimmy have given it a good seeing to over the last few years ) to sit the theory test on Monday. Sophie, her feet no doubt slamming repeatedly on the imaginary brakes, nervously occupied the passenger seat. But pass he did, though he had the good grace to admit he was as astonished as the rest of us. “Turned out I had only been revising half the test. I hadn’t realised there was a second part to it and I had to guess every single answer.”
I didn’t have to take a theory test. Well, it is a while back now, I supposed we used to be given a few questions about braking distances and road signs. Perhaps I appeared a bit lackadaisical when I turned up for my third driving test, but on this occasion I was armed with an international licence which meant I was going to drive myself away regardless of the outcome. I took the test in Forfar, a quaint market town in Angus, and I sensed the examiner didn’t like my attitude very much or perhaps it was my accent or maybe he was just envious of my wheels ( a white Peugeot 404 Estate just like the one pictured below though ours was specially equipped with African suspension ).
Anyway when it came to the question and answer session I was asked for the hand signal to turn left I thought that was a bit of a sneaky one. With more swagger than I felt I stuck my arm out the window and, flipping my hand up and over, tapped a few times on top of the roof. “Noooooo” said the examiner, a little testily. “Are you sure?” I innocently enquired. “Mr Sandison”, he replied sternly, “ Ye mae think I dunnae ken much, but ah ken ma Highway Code.” So that put me in my place.
I am pretty sure there isn’t a question in the current version of the theory test about what happens if you leave your car for any length of time with the head-lights on. This would have been the one that tripped up Bob for when he and Soph got back to the Polo after a celebratory burger at Bills, they found that is exactly what he’d done and, yes, straight to the top of the class for you, the battery was as flat as a pancake. What a berk.
To give him his due though, it is thanks to him this is already established as THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. My worst job of the year, without doubt, is putting the Christmas tree up. I hate the whole process. Trekking off to some ghastly winter wonderland where you are confronted by St Bernards with stupid hats on and the most complicated tree selection and payment process imaginable. Then tying it on top of the car. That’s a nightmare in itself. But if by some miracle you get it safely home the torture moves on to a different level. I forget each year from the last how I finally manage to get the tree upright and to Sophie’s satisfaction. Oh I’m banging on. I’m even boring myself with this story so goodness knows what its doing to you. The point is…..they got the tree without me mid week. Genius. And then Bob, the total hero that he is, went and put it up. No fuss or bother. He just did it. How totally good is that?? Oh man….I’ve had a terrible thought. All this helpfulness has got to have something to do with his school report which is due any day now.
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